What It Is Like To Love Me

We will have many conversations about ME
and you'll learn to hate YOU.

And my sweet heart face will make it easy for you to cast me as the martyr 
- it's a role I was born to play.

You notice my lips, but not my sharp teeth. 

And when you finally do, there will be nothing 
but bits of your heart slowly making their way down my throat.

This is my gift.

♥  I'm not sure when it happened
     but at some point I must have let down my guard


And now here we are - my heart happy to be in your hands


All the hesitation that has haunted me before 
     is now lost in a sea of your warmth and tenderness


Every day, your kindness moves me to tears -
I've never had more faith in anything than I do in your love

♥
i.
I wish I were stronger
I wish I had more integrity,
          to truly give all that I expect from others,
          to stop being indebted to the past,
          to trust in the complete sense of the word 


ii.
Words are all I seem to have
At the end of the day, my hands are empty...
     just words echoing in my ears, floating around my mind, lingering on my tongue
Yet they are so valuable...
     each a promise, a hope, an illusion


iii.
there     is    no    way    you     will     survive     this     one     in     tact


stupidgirlgivingawayallyoursecretsinexchangeforawarmsmile


you     never     fucking     learn     becausefranklyyoudon'twantto

♥ Just a novelty item - that's the best you can hope she'll ever be

a pretty smile dam holding back a flood of insecurity and a sharp tongue

always well composed, too afraid to let anyone see what's really inside

          (nothingbutahopelessmessofwastedpotentialandvanity)

clever enough to pique your interest, but not enough substance to hold it for long

You'll tell her you love her, but it's only in the same tepid manner you love something that is helpless and oh so naive 

a sweet face that strokes your ego, but questions your character at the same time

(youconvinceyourselfitismorethanjustlustthoughitisnot)

She can see "Insincerity" written across your face, but she'll still hold you with genuine warmth and think,

Iwon'talwayshavesomethingwittytosay,butIcanpromisetoloveyouthebestIcan.

♥ i.


we normalize heartache
as if that's the natural state in which our hearts should be


no longer alarmed by breeches of trust
accepting of anything and anyone
broken - not because of any Why, but because of This Just Is


unaware of how much more we deserve to receive and give
"love" becomes just a word we heard in a song once
"happiness" an antiquated notion we read in a fairy tale when we were kids


ii.


every time you call me "sweet", I interpret it as you kissing my cheek


I am moved by your tenderness
Your gentle heart is a blessing in a world full of aggression 
A desperately needed reminder that not all is Take Take Take


I dreamed of holding hands 
And I've carried the innocence of that moment ever since
Proof of something greater than what we settle for

♥We are unified by nothing other than an unrelenting desire to belong to someone other than ourselves


     Ashamed at what we've let ourselves become
     Seeking redemption in the love of others


You throw the word "love" around like a dagger

     Hoping to embed it into the deepest part of my being
     Hoping it somehow binds you to some truth that doesn't  exist


Cry, scream, forgive...that's become our dance.


Our song nothing more than the sound of a wish slowly fleeting from our lips.

for RB, because I know he cares...

♥ Let's play chicken, see who gives up last
We'll see who can play the better role of martyr
     but I know I will 


I'm not frightened by the tell-tale signs of immaturity
Or by the way your voice gets so loud so quickly


Endure - it's what I was taught to do


And I'll let you smooth things over 
     only to get upset with you again about something with no significance
And maybe this time you'll grow a pair and not accept my apology
     but I know you will


Although I blind myself to your dysfunction, I can feel it
     every time you say "we can work this out"
Sometimes I even mean it when I say we can
Sometimes it's even funny to see how hard we try
     to maintain something we're both in so half-assedly 


We exchange whispered and tepid I Love Yous 
     these words nothing but forced from our mouths


So, yes


This game is set up for me to win
     since at everything else I lose

♥ Without you, it's all too bright and blinding
          There is no moon, there are no stars
          Only noises and shouts


I'm disoriented to my very core


And your voice is now somehow different
but, oh, how I love it
          so reassuring and calming


You are so much better than me
          With your steadfast sense of honor and code of honesty
          Always doing the right thing at the expense of what you want


And I stand before you full of impulse and without any self control
Yet you don't judge me
          You only kiss my forehead and tell me that my heart will lead the way
          as long as I am true to it and those around me


You are the part of my soul that is held captive by petty pride and incessant desire 
And deep down I know I don't deserve you or the relief you gift my heart


I know that I have to let go and fade into the chaos of every day without you
          but I just can't fucking sleep without you near

In response...


♥Flaws are the battle scars of life
     wear them proudly
     because they are what I most love about you


There are no pretenses, nothing hidden
     just your heart, there for the taking
     my taking


And you are my night and you are spectacular 
     the only one that can rock me to sleep
     the only one that calms my fears
       
You envelop me with kindness and sincerity 
     nestled in your heart is where I find my peace

♥ 

I've grown tired of missing something that has never been mine

          tired of the stolen moments of fantasy in between the reality of our separate lives

There is an ocean between your heart and mine and you don't learn to swim simply on faith

She told me, "You shouldn't give your little bowl of love to just anyone who says they'll treat it with care."  And all I could retort with was, "But his heart is like mine." 

It was more of a whispered wish than a statement of fact.

Heart: You love him.

Brain: You're stupid when you're in love.

Him: I won't hurt you like the others.

Brain: That sounds familiar.

Heart: I am too frail for any of this.

Brain: That is the smartest thing you've ever said.

Stop putting Band-Aids over things that have been shredded into pieces. Stop forcing things to mean more than they actually do. Stop trying to will nothing into existence. Just stop.

♥This is where it ends

With so much potential

     but no where to go from here

And I will miss the sweet sleep your voice gifted me nightly

And my heart will remember how to beat without your warmth

No amount of sorries can mend a broken heart

     as much as I wish they could

After all that could have been

     this is where it ends

♥ This isn't the way it was supposed to go
                 except that it did


and we can argue about
                 the why, the how
                 the who


     but we can't seem to figure out how to solve anything


so it's all in shambles
                and we walk over the eggshells of our broken hearts


crunchcrunchcrunch


and when I look into the blue of your eyes, mine well up with tears
               at all the plans we've made
               that will never come to fruition


      and at all the love we share that just isn't enough to make a difference

♥This is what you've molded me into


This is what you've worn me down into being


numbandtiredandisolatedandhopeless

♥your voice
         should be what calms 
 all the anxiety i'm so overwhelmed with
daily
instead you remind me
      of why i choose to remain 
silent
i need to counter your LOUD WORDS
        by stifling my own (help help help)

♥The words tickle the back of my throat..."I" "miss" "you"


But I swallow them back. Speaking them won't change anything.


We are who we are and no combination of words will change that.


You are a maze my heart will never find the means of conquering.


Yet, part of me will always want to give it a try.