Thursday, December 3, 2009

♥I offer you my heart and the whole of me
but that's not enough for you

Your heart (and body) belong(s) to a fantasy world
to which I don't compare
at least not in your mind

So you're negligent and careless with
the love I give you

You're thoughtless in how you treat the
precious gifts I lay before you -
my trust, respect, and caring
all meaningless to you

This hurt should be yours to bear
not mine

But here we are


You off doing whatever it is you want
and me wishing all you wanted (or needed) was me

Thursday, November 26, 2009

♥He was perfect every day
but she wasn't

His blue eyes always sparkled
bringing her such happiness

But nothing she did stirred him

She felt plain and boring and frumpy

Every day

He was perfect every day
until the day she left

Monday, November 23, 2009

Remember how you needed me?

How staying up past midnight, IMing one another,
was part of our weeknight routine?

How the miles between us were meaningless
compared to the intimacies we shared via texts and phone calls?

Weekends together being the only thing
that got us through our week.

I remember:

That first time you walked into my bedroom in that dark blue sweater,
holding my face in your hands as you kissed me.

Hearing you say that I was your best friend and
knowing this was more than casual.

The heartbreak that I never again want to revisit.

But do you? Do you remember how you needed me?

Sunday, August 30, 2009

♥She told me yesterday that she wasn't always like this
It sounded sincere enough, but, somehow, I just didn't buy it

She says a lot of things I don't buy

Some days I try to give her the benefit of the doubt,
but deep down I know it's just a speech she has probably rehearsed many times before

Probably with other guys
Probably with many other guys many times before

I watch her sleep sometimes and it terrifies me
It terrifies me because I feel an overwhelming need to protect this silly, little liar

It terrifies me to think how often I simply look the other way
And how often I want to believe she's telling the truth

She doesn't lie about small things
They'll all big lies
Lies about her past - how she grew up
Lies about how she never really had any aspirations
I know she's just too proud to admit any failure

She lies about almost everything
But she seems to always believe she's telling the truth

She lies about loving me,
but I know she really does love the small scar on my back

She lies about not being crazy,
but she'll admit all her struggles with depression

She lies about wanting to work things out,
but I know how happy it makes her to make me dinner every night

I think her cooking makes all her lies easier to swallow
♥because love isn't fleeting
or just some silly feeling in your belly

you try because the option not to just isn't there
you have to try
almost like having to breathe

because not having each other is wrong
and the mere thought of it
makes your hands feel so empty

and because there is love
in a way you've never known before
only hoped for

and, this time, it's worth fighting for

Near you
everything seems to have a place
my hands on your skin
your head on my lap
even stillness feels exciting when I'm with you

Without you
it all feels crowded and without sense
the air feels more dense
my hands become restless
everything feels uncertain, as if it's all about to crumble

You redefine so much of what I thought I knew
my future

I feel empowered by you
free to wander the clouds
knowing I'm tethered to your heart
♥I didn't walk away, you let me leave
and in a blink of an eye you show up again
asking me to sacrifice my pride just so I can spend a few moments
feeling like I matter to you.

No, thanks.

I matter to someone. Someone who offers me love
and tenderness and affection
without asking me to compromise any part of myself.

And I love him - more than enough
to forget why I ever loved you.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

♥Words should be thoughtful
not careless
they are heavily weighted, like an anchor
some can hold you in places you don't want to be
or sink you

I hear you
so loud and angry
being crucified by the words you speak
each one making you more lackluster in my eyes
you used to shine

Keep talking
it makes no difference either way
even your silence feels deafening

Every sentence
every word
every syllable
each one becomes a nail in a coffin
burying the trust I thought you deserved from me

Talk in circles, yell, shout...stutter
all of it is in vain
all of it is shallow
your voice can no longer penetrate my heart

The only words I recognize are: what now?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

♥It's not just comfortable, it's comforting
like how easily you can make me smile
and knowing that if I say I like chickpeas, you'll respond with "I think you're a chickpea"

It's not safe, it's secure
knowing I can speak without censorship
and if I reach for your hand, it'll be there for me to hold on to

It's everything in between talking about puppies chasing rabbits
and our joint hatred for idiot drivers

It's happily stretching out on a couch entirely too small for two people
and arguing over who'd make the better rock star

It's me wanting baby, pygmy elephants and you laughing at my silly requests
and checking out new places together and showing each other our favorite things

These things are what matters
More than the illusion of romance or the mirages it can create

This is tangible
Made up of your lips and my legs and our sweat
Made up of Chip and Mandarin House and wiping chocolate off Rand's face
Made up of Woot shirts and How I Met Your Mother and The Wire

Made up of little notes on mirrors and "mix tapes"
Made up of shared frustrations and optimistic resolutions

Everyone knows I'd rather live on a cloud,
but I'm glad I at least get to share Reality with you

Thursday, February 19, 2009

♥I love you more than I love myself

my instinct for self preservation takes a backseat to my desire to make you happy -
your smile worth all my efforts

as is your heart
which I long to own
if only so I can protect it
to assure that it is never discontent

and because I still can't sleep
without the warmth of your skin next to mine

Monday, January 19, 2009

♥I miss him when I can't sleep
(like now, and yesterday, and the day before that)

I miss how my hands would search him out in the middle of the night
a small reassurance of his presence, which lulled me to sleep
(they still wander in my sleep, unsurprised at not finding him there)

I miss him when I find myself eating some scrap of something or other over the kitchen sink
so painfully aware that I am alone

I miss the casualness of dinner plans
always knowing that it would involve him and laughter and a sense of comfort that now feels so distant

I miss him when I think of something clever to say and find that I am without an audience
and with the knowledge that my random messages to him are no longer welcomed
or anticipated
(as they once were)

When every thing is quiet (though never my thoughts), is when I miss him the most

Friday, January 16, 2009

♥i want to feel close to you
to know your thoughts,
your wants,
and all that haunts you

sometimes you feel within reach,
but it is only momentarily

i crave to know all that
encompasses your being

but all i have is midnight messages
and the occasional glimpse at what could be

Thursday, January 15, 2009

♥Existo porque tu existes
Sin ti, solo soy ruinas

Frágil como el vidrio
Quebró bajo el peso de tus engaños

Me siento muda sin tenerte a ti
Proyecto solo silencio

Tu eres mi espejo – mi ser reflectado en ti

Solo queda un fantasma esperando tu regreso

Thursday, January 8, 2009

♥Your absence slows down time
Every second lengthened by the lack of your touch...
...of your kisses

Silently, I weep for an escape from this torment
Why do you own me so completely?
You are crushing me with this distance

You are the only reason I learned to breathe