Thursday, October 30, 2008

I feel hollow
As if everything that was in me
has disappeared into nothing

I've given away all that used to make me whole
Piece by piece
until all that remains is this empty shell

This shell that still misses and wants you
This ghost of a person that wishes she could undo the hurt

I will evaporate as surely as my tears
♥I don't succumb to your whims because of lust or perversion or fear
I do so out of love
because we both know the adoration I have for you outweighs my self control

Your guilty pleasures are my saving grace -
moments that I get to feel close to you
However fleeting, I cling to them as fiercely as I wish I could cling to your heart

I feel your mouth on mine and I forget to exist
Only the echo of my voice remains
claiming: You don't love me. You don't love me. You don't love me.
♥every part of you contradicts everything in me I know to be right
you redefine me
you break me apart and
rebuild me

I exist for you

because of you

alone, I am empty
you remold me and I have new purpose-
to be yours,
even if you are not mine

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

He said he doesn't trust me, that I "make sense", but I guess not enough

I let myself fall into the trap of if only's and wishful thinking

The potential of tomorrow numbs the loneliness of now

I am undone by you. UNDONE.

A few drinks and the comfort of my bed are all it takes to get you to share more than your smile with me

You tell me your secrets and your doubts and, in those moments, I find you beautiful

Say the things you've been wanting to say

Forget the hurt your words are sure to cause me

Be honest, even if it does make you the bad guy

Whisper truth in my ear for a change

Give me something other than your lies

Monday, October 27, 2008

To miss you would imply that I once had you
and we both know that was never the case

Your heart is complicated and bound by all the sins you think you've committed
against yourself, against her
And you strung me along in the hopes that I'd be able to absolve you of your transgressions
(But as long as you are hers you will never be mine)

This hurt, this ache feels dulls
nothing more than watered down heartache,
barely more than the sting of a pinch
(yet cutting me into unrecognizable pieces)

Maybe this is why this is killing me (slowly)
The ridiculousness of feeling this way for so long now

when you were such a brief part of my life

Knowing that you are close by (not missing me) is a daily torment

It is agonizing to realize all that is left behind
(from all the kisses, whispered promises, moans, smiles, and lazy weekends)
is this soreness where once dwelt the possibility of love.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I had no

Last night I was at the bookstore and found this really beautiful poem in some random anthology. I reached for my bag so I could grab a pen and piece of paper and I realized I did not have either. Me. Without a pen or paper. Without a pen. Yes, it was as crazy as it sounds. Anyway, I bummed a sheet of paper and a pen from a nice couple at the next table. Below are the fruits of my labor. Really, this poem caught me off guard and I must share it.

Botones by Siomara Espana

Tu cuerpo incandescente me persigue
como perro a la espalda de mi abismo
pero solo es el fantasma de tu carne
que devore a prisa cantando con cinismo

Adherido estas, adherido indiferente,
que sera de las tardes sin recato?
tardes de concupiscencia y disparate
tardes rojas, tardes de arrebato

Solo quedan guardados los botones
en la caja azul de hechiceria,
y desde entonces, tu foto sin la mia,
me sonrie y me ladra todavia.


Your body, incandescent, follows me,
like a dog turning its back on my abyss,
but it is just the phantom of your flesh
I gobbled down with acid verse like this.

You're stuck, though quite indifferent, you are stuck,
what will happen to those shameless afternoons
of silliness and of concupiscence,
red afternoons of rapture in red rooms?

Only those buttons now remain with me,
in the blue box of sorceries and spells,
and ever since, your photo without mine,
has smiled back at me and barked, as well.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

exchange enough words and soon you will notice pieces of yourself fluttering away along with every phrase you whisper. so be careful of what you say to me, be mindful of the things you share - your words carry more weight than you credit them with.
♥cualquier noticia de ti
significa una tempestad para mi
me destrulles con tu existencia
tu silencio mi salvacion

There's an alternate reality that is created whenever we're together
full of false intimacy and a world of secrets and things left unspoken
If you see my vulnerability, you might run away
so I show you the "me" I think you'll love
the "me" that meets all of your expectations and desires
And I stifle my true self
hide her in shame - she's weak and unlovable
It's worth it as long as I get to stay in this reality with you

If you wanted, I would hand you my heart without question or hesitation
No reasoning, no merit necessary - just because you are you
because my heart prefers the chaos of passion over the stillness of logic
because I am weak and fall victim to the desire to be close to you
Try as I may, I will lose this battle
♥I am drawn to you for the same reasons I am drawn to chaos and ambiguity -
your apathy fuels my need for self destruction.

You are my poison and I willingly ingest every drop of your discontent, anger, and dishonesty -
through your cruelty, I pay for all my sins.

You are my savior.
With an enthusiastic mouth, I pull you towards me
the weight of your body on mine awakens all of my senses

I'm surprised by how natural this feels
as if it has happened with you before

I make room for you in my heart
remain close
so that your eyes can meet mine,
if only for a second or two
let their clear blueness
quiet this anxiety
and watch me while I sleep
play the sandman I've only wished
of dreaming about
♥ no, it's not enough
phony compliments and the occasional text message don't amount to anything
they just reaffirm your disinterest

you'd like to own me without the responsibility of caring for me
you just need me to tell you that you are still human
but I lie because you are not

you are broken beyond mending
every kiss you begrudgingly offer me only sinks you farther
only increases the distance between your soullessness and redemption

stop asking me to carry the weight of your sins
I'm no martyr and you are undeserving

your faux love isn't fooling anyone
not me
and definitely not you

let me go let me go let me go

I'd grown accustomed to the chaotic

Thought it was the only way to exist

But you hold my hand and the world stops spinning

There is no more dizziness

You quell the desire in my to scream for no reason

All my fears calmed by your presence

Though your kiss awakens a physical symphony in me

My thoughts resonate only silence

By your side, sanity doesn't seem so out of reach