♥She told me yesterday that she wasn't always like this
It sounded sincere enough, but, somehow, I just didn't buy it

She says a lot of things I don't buy

Some days I try to give her the benefit of the doubt,
but deep down I know it's just a speech she has probably rehearsed many times before

Probably with other guys
Probably with many other guys many times before

I watch her sleep sometimes and it terrifies me
It terrifies me because I feel an overwhelming need to protect this silly, little liar

It terrifies me to think how often I simply look the other way
And how often I want to believe she's telling the truth

She doesn't lie about small things
They'll all big lies
Lies about her past - how she grew up
Lies about how she never really had any aspirations
I know she's just too proud to admit any failure

She lies about almost everything
But she seems to always believe she's telling the truth

She lies about loving me,
but I know she really does love the small scar on my back

She lies about not being crazy,
but she'll admit all her struggles with depression

She lies about wanting to work things out,
but I know how happy it makes her to make me dinner every night

I think her cooking makes all her lies easier to swallow

♥because love isn't fleeting
or just some silly feeling in your belly

you try because the option not to just isn't there
you have to try
almost like having to breathe

because not having each other is wrong
and the mere thought of it
makes your hands feel so empty

and because there is love
in a way you've never known before
only hoped for

and, this time, it's worth fighting for

♥I.

Near you
everything seems to have a place
my hands on your skin
your head on my lap
even stillness feels exciting when I'm with you

Without you
it all feels crowded and without sense
the air feels more dense
my hands become restless
everything feels uncertain, as if it's all about to crumble

You redefine so much of what I thought I knew
perspective
words
laughter
Love
my future

I feel empowered by you
free to wander the clouds
knowing I'm tethered to your heart

♥I didn't walk away, you let me leave
and in a blink of an eye you show up again
asking me to sacrifice my pride just so I can spend a few moments
feeling like I matter to you.

No, thanks.

I matter to someone. Someone who offers me love
and tenderness and affection
without asking me to compromise any part of myself.

And I love him - more than enough
to forget why I ever loved you.

♥Words should be thoughtful
not careless
they are heavily weighted, like an anchor
some can hold you in places you don't want to be
or sink you

I hear you
so loud and angry
being crucified by the words you speak
each one making you more lackluster in my eyes
you used to shine

Keep talking
it makes no difference either way
even your silence feels deafening

Every sentence
every word
every syllable
each one becomes a nail in a coffin
burying the trust I thought you deserved from me

Talk in circles, yell, shout...stutter
all of it is in vain
all of it is shallow
your voice can no longer penetrate my heart

The only words I recognize are: what now?

♥It's not just comfortable, it's comforting
like how easily you can make me smile
and knowing that if I say I like chickpeas, you'll respond with "I think you're a chickpea"

It's not safe, it's secure
knowing I can speak without censorship
and if I reach for your hand, it'll be there for me to hold on to

It's everything in between talking about puppies chasing rabbits
and our joint hatred for idiot drivers

It's happily stretching out on a couch entirely too small for two people
and arguing over who'd make the better rock star

It's me wanting baby, pygmy elephants and you laughing at my silly requests
and checking out new places together and showing each other our favorite things

These things are what matters
More than the illusion of romance or the mirages it can create

This is tangible
Made up of your lips and my legs and our sweat
Made up of Chip and Mandarin House and wiping chocolate off Rand's face
Made up of Woot shirts and How I Met Your Mother and The Wire

Made up of little notes on mirrors and "mix tapes"
Made up of shared frustrations and optimistic resolutions

Everyone knows I'd rather live on a cloud,
but I'm glad I at least get to share Reality with you

♥I love you more than I love myself

my instinct for self preservation takes a backseat to my desire to make you happy -
your smile worth all my efforts

as is your heart
which I long to own
if only so I can protect it
to assure that it is never discontent

and because I still can't sleep
without the warmth of your skin next to mine

...
♥I miss him when I can't sleep
(like now, and yesterday, and the day before that)

I miss how my hands would search him out in the middle of the night
a small reassurance of his presence, which lulled me to sleep
(they still wander in my sleep, unsurprised at not finding him there)

I miss him when I find myself eating some scrap of something or other over the kitchen sink
so painfully aware that I am alone

I miss the casualness of dinner plans
always knowing that it would involve him and laughter and a sense of comfort that now feels so distant

I miss him when I think of something clever to say and find that I am without an audience
and with the knowledge that my random messages to him are no longer welcomed
or anticipated
(as they once were)

When every thing is quiet (though never my thoughts), is when I miss him the most

♥i want to feel close to you
to know your thoughts,
your wants,
and all that haunts you

sometimes you feel within reach,
but it is only momentarily

i crave to know all that
encompasses your being

but all i have is midnight messages
and the occasional glimpse at what could be

♥Existo porque tu existes
Sin ti, solo soy ruinas

Frágil como el vidrio
Quebró bajo el peso de tus engaños

Me siento muda sin tenerte a ti
Proyecto solo silencio

Tu eres mi espejo – mi ser reflectado en ti

Solo queda un fantasma esperando tu regreso

♥Your absence slows down time
Every second lengthened by the lack of your touch...
...of your kisses

Silently, I weep for an escape from this torment
Why do you own me so completely?
You are crushing me with this distance

You are the only reason I learned to breathe

I feel hollow
As if everything that was in me
has disappeared into nothing

I've given away all that used to make me whole
Piece by piece
until all that remains is this empty shell

This shell that still misses and wants you
This ghost of a person that wishes she could undo the hurt

I will evaporate as surely as my tears

♥I don't succumb to your whims because of lust or perversion or fear
I do so out of love
because we both know the adoration I have for you outweighs my self control

Your guilty pleasures are my saving grace -
moments that I get to feel close to you
However fleeting, I cling to them as fiercely as I wish I could cling to your heart

I feel your mouth on mine and I forget to exist
Only the echo of my voice remains
claiming: You don't love me. You don't love me. You don't love me.

♥every part of you contradicts everything in me I know to be right
you redefine me
you break me apart and
rebuild me

I exist for you

because of you

alone, I am empty
you remold me and I have new purpose-
to be yours,
even if you are not mine

i.
He said he doesn't trust me, that I "make sense", but I guess not enough

I let myself fall into the trap of if only's and wishful thinking

The potential of tomorrow numbs the loneliness of now

I am undone by you. UNDONE.

ii.
A few drinks and the comfort of my bed are all it takes to get you to share more than your smile with me

You tell me your secrets and your doubts and, in those moments, I find you beautiful

iii.
Say the things you've been wanting to say

Forget the hurt your words are sure to cause me

Be honest, even if it does make you the bad guy

Whisper truth in my ear for a change

Give me something other than your lies