♥Words should be thoughtful
not careless
they are heavily weighted, like an anchor
some can hold you in places you don't want to be
or sink you

I hear you
so loud and angry
being crucified by the words you speak
each one making you more lackluster in my eyes
you used to shine

Keep talking
it makes no difference either way
even your silence feels deafening

Every sentence
every word
every syllable
each one becomes a nail in a coffin
burying the trust I thought you deserved from me

Talk in circles, yell, shout...stutter
all of it is in vain
all of it is shallow
your voice can no longer penetrate my heart

The only words I recognize are: what now?

♥It's not just comfortable, it's comforting
like how easily you can make me smile
and knowing that if I say I like chickpeas, you'll respond with "I think you're a chickpea"

It's not safe, it's secure
knowing I can speak without censorship
and if I reach for your hand, it'll be there for me to hold on to

It's everything in between talking about puppies chasing rabbits
and our joint hatred for idiot drivers

It's happily stretching out on a couch entirely too small for two people
and arguing over who'd make the better rock star

It's me wanting baby, pygmy elephants and you laughing at my silly requests
and checking out new places together and showing each other our favorite things

These things are what matters
More than the illusion of romance or the mirages it can create

This is tangible
Made up of your lips and my legs and our sweat
Made up of Chip and Mandarin House and wiping chocolate off Rand's face
Made up of Woot shirts and How I Met Your Mother and The Wire

Made up of little notes on mirrors and "mix tapes"
Made up of shared frustrations and optimistic resolutions

Everyone knows I'd rather live on a cloud,
but I'm glad I at least get to share Reality with you

♥I love you more than I love myself

my instinct for self preservation takes a backseat to my desire to make you happy -
your smile worth all my efforts

as is your heart
which I long to own
if only so I can protect it
to assure that it is never discontent

and because I still can't sleep
without the warmth of your skin next to mine

...
♥I miss him when I can't sleep
(like now, and yesterday, and the day before that)

I miss how my hands would search him out in the middle of the night
a small reassurance of his presence, which lulled me to sleep
(they still wander in my sleep, unsurprised at not finding him there)

I miss him when I find myself eating some scrap of something or other over the kitchen sink
so painfully aware that I am alone

I miss the casualness of dinner plans
always knowing that it would involve him and laughter and a sense of comfort that now feels so distant

I miss him when I think of something clever to say and find that I am without an audience
and with the knowledge that my random messages to him are no longer welcomed
or anticipated
(as they once were)

When every thing is quiet (though never my thoughts), is when I miss him the most

♥i want to feel close to you
to know your thoughts,
your wants,
and all that haunts you

sometimes you feel within reach,
but it is only momentarily

i crave to know all that
encompasses your being

but all i have is midnight messages
and the occasional glimpse at what could be

♥Existo porque tu existes
Sin ti, solo soy ruinas

Frágil como el vidrio
Quebró bajo el peso de tus engaños

Me siento muda sin tenerte a ti
Proyecto solo silencio

Tu eres mi espejo – mi ser reflectado en ti

Solo queda un fantasma esperando tu regreso

♥Your absence slows down time
Every second lengthened by the lack of your touch...
...of your kisses

Silently, I weep for an escape from this torment
Why do you own me so completely?
You are crushing me with this distance

You are the only reason I learned to breathe

I feel hollow
As if everything that was in me
has disappeared into nothing

I've given away all that used to make me whole
Piece by piece
until all that remains is this empty shell

This shell that still misses and wants you
This ghost of a person that wishes she could undo the hurt

I will evaporate as surely as my tears

♥I don't succumb to your whims because of lust or perversion or fear
I do so out of love
because we both know the adoration I have for you outweighs my self control

Your guilty pleasures are my saving grace -
moments that I get to feel close to you
However fleeting, I cling to them as fiercely as I wish I could cling to your heart

I feel your mouth on mine and I forget to exist
Only the echo of my voice remains
claiming: You don't love me. You don't love me. You don't love me.

♥every part of you contradicts everything in me I know to be right
you redefine me
you break me apart and
rebuild me

I exist for you

because of you

alone, I am empty
you remold me and I have new purpose-
to be yours,
even if you are not mine

i.
He said he doesn't trust me, that I "make sense", but I guess not enough

I let myself fall into the trap of if only's and wishful thinking

The potential of tomorrow numbs the loneliness of now

I am undone by you. UNDONE.

ii.
A few drinks and the comfort of my bed are all it takes to get you to share more than your smile with me

You tell me your secrets and your doubts and, in those moments, I find you beautiful

iii.
Say the things you've been wanting to say

Forget the hurt your words are sure to cause me

Be honest, even if it does make you the bad guy

Whisper truth in my ear for a change

Give me something other than your lies

To miss you would imply that I once had you
and we both know that was never the case

Your heart is complicated and bound by all the sins you think you've committed
against yourself, against her
And you strung me along in the hopes that I'd be able to absolve you of your transgressions
(But as long as you are hers you will never be mine)

This hurt, this ache feels dulls
nothing more than watered down heartache,
barely more than the sting of a pinch
(yet cutting me into unrecognizable pieces)

Maybe this is why this is killing me (slowly)
The ridiculousness of feeling this way for so long now
when you were such a brief part of my life

Knowing that you are close by (not missing me) is a daily torment

It is agonizing to realize all that is left behind
(from all the kisses, whispered promises, moans, smiles, and lazy weekends)
is this soreness where once dwelt the possibility of love.

I had no pen...wtf?

Last night I was at the bookstore and found this really beautiful poem in some random anthology. I reached for my bag so I could grab a pen and piece of paper and I realized I did not have either. Me. Without a pen or paper. Without a pen. Yes, it was as crazy as it sounds. Anyway, I bummed a sheet of paper and a pen from a nice couple at the next table. Below are the fruits of my labor. Really, this poem caught me off guard and I must share it.

Botones by Siomara Espana

Tu cuerpo incandescente me persigue
como perro a la espalda de mi abismo
pero solo es el fantasma de tu carne
que devore a prisa cantando con cinismo

Adherido estas, adherido indiferente,
que sera de las tardes sin recato?
tardes de concupiscencia y disparate
tardes rojas, tardes de arrebato

Solo quedan guardados los botones
en la caja azul de hechiceria,
y desde entonces, tu foto sin la mia,
me sonrie y me ladra todavia.

Buttons

Your body, incandescent, follows me,
like a dog turning its back on my abyss,
but it is just the phantom of your flesh
I gobbled down with acid verse like this.

You're stuck, though quite indifferent, you are stuck,
what will happen to those shameless afternoons
of silliness and of concupiscence,
red afternoons of rapture in red rooms?

Only those buttons now remain with me,
in the blue box of sorceries and spells,
and ever since, your photo without mine,
has smiled back at me and barked, as well.

exchange enough words and soon you will notice pieces of yourself fluttering away along with every phrase you whisper. so be careful of what you say to me, be mindful of the things you share - your words carry more weight than you credit them with.

♥cualquier noticia de ti
significa una tempestad para mi
me destrulles con tu existencia
tu silencio mi salvacion

♥ There's an alternate reality that is created whenever we're together
full of false intimacy and a world of secrets and things left unspoken
If you see my vulnerability, you might run away
so I show you the "me" I think you'll love
the "me" that meets all of your expectations and desires
And I stifle my true self
hide her in shame - she's weak and unlovable
It's worth it as long as I get to stay in this reality with you

♥ If you wanted, I would hand you my heart without question or hesitation
No reasoning, no merit necessary - just because you are you
because my heart prefers the chaos of passion over the stillness of logic
because I am weak and fall victim to the desire to be close to you
Try as I may, I will lose this battle